Four years ago, we brought our boy Miles home.
For an adoption that seemingly dragged on forever, these four years have flown by. So much progress, so much growth and learning, for Miles, of course, but also for all of us.
I am at a point where I am very hesitant to continue to blog adoption/trauma/attachment issues, out of a sense of personal boundaries and privacy for our children. I blog mostly for family and friends from afar to keep up with our lives. Given Miles and Keenan's ages and involvement in our local neighborhood, school and community, I'm not really comfortable with airing things out in a public forum anymore. They deserve to have privacy and share their own story as they see fit.
Also, over the years I have met more and more women in the adoption world, and I think there are a lot of phonies out there who want to be that in-the-know, I'm-so-healing, turn-to person for those families in the throes of this. I don't ever want to come across as someone handing out advice or
pretending I know what to do. There are some really amazing, gifted individuals who get it and are great resources too the "trauma mama" community. Utilize them. But for me, I realize that honestly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing most days. This experience has been has been a huge learning curve for all of us. Some of my parenting trauma children attempts have been disastrous, and I feel badly about them for my own children; I sure don't want the burden knowing that I may have contributed to helping you mess up your own children, lol.
And, four years later, I don't think there are any tricks or techniques that are a sure-fire way of helping children with trauma histories and attachment difficulties that work. I have read a ton and tried the gamut. I do think that the best thing I have done so far is just to not worry so much, focus on connecting in the moment, giving chances for them to have re-do's, and not letting their behaviors push me away (thereby repeating isolation/abandonment cycles, no matter how little or trivial.)
So, all that being said (and wow, was that more said than I thought I would say), I will say this: Miles is the bravest person I know. He has let go of so much fear, let go so much need for control, let go if so much of constantly maneuvering himself emotionally to keep people at a distance. He is still working and trying and growing, and I am often very humbled and always amazed by his perseverance.
The future gives me great hope. If he can accomplish so much in four years-- four years of fear, changes, tumultous events in such a little boy's life-- I can only imagine just how much growth there can be in the next four.
We love you, Miles Jimmy (MJ.) Four years. What a journey it has been.