Thursday, July 07, 2011

An Update on Mr. Stinky Pants

You wanna know what Mr. Stinky Pants' bowel movements and horror movies have in common?!?

Really, really bad sequels. And threequels. And let's not take it further than that.

Effin' A, man.

Back in April, I blogged about my dear, sweet son, Mr. Stinky Pants and his unholy bowel movements and breath.

We received a dx of giardia, cryptosporidium and a (gag) tapework from rat feces.

We treated with a cocktail of pharmacological wonders.

The tapeworm, we're happy to say, has left the building.

Best not to picture that.

The giardia test, we were told, came back clear.

Yeah, uh huh, whatev.

Mama's intuition and sense of smell prevailed.

Something was rotten in Denmark, and by Denmark, I mean Mr. Stinky Pant's intestines.

Earlier this week, I called the pediatrician to double check on his most recent stool sample.

All clear! I was told by an annoyingly chipper nurse. Clearly, none of her children ever had giardia.

"Ummm, I'm thinking it's sticking around, because my lord, it's like an exorcism in the bathroom several times a day at our house,"

I'm guessing the nurse did not appreciate my honestly graphic descriptor. "Huh," the chipper nurse said. "I'll call you back."

She calls back with a plan to see a pediatric GI specialist. Who is in Milwaukee. Because GB doesn't have one. And Milwaukee is 2 hours away.

No problemo. A bunch of schedule re-working, and my boy and I were on our way this morning.

The specialist walks in and announces: "So, why aren't you treating your son for giardia?"

Say what? I tell him what the ped's office tells me, and he points to the test results. All I see are "Giardia" and "POSITIVE," with the POSITIVE being in all capital letters.

Now, I'm pretty sure POSITIVE isn't secret code for something else. I'm kinda an expert in secret code (like when my kids say to his siblings: "Hey guys! Watch our Old Mama dive off the diving board! I didn't know old mama's can do that!" I know that the secret code for Old Mama is Smoking Hot Buff Woman Who You Would Never Guess Has 5 Kids. Right? Right! It's like I majored in it or something. Not really. It just comes naturally.)

So, we end up with an aggressive treatment plan for this whole gross giardia business, all done in the comfort of a (pretty cute) specialist's office only 121 miles away from home despite the fact that the testing was done in the comfort of an office only 5 miles away from my home. But whatever. The plan is aggressive, and we're ready for action.

Which, in the end (and for Mr. Stinky Pant's (rear) end), is all that matters.

You have to forgive me for all my juvenile butt jokes. It's kinda hard to stop myself because laughter is the only way to survive such grossness.

But you know what? I actually found a huge silver lining in all of this.

My poor kid has had giardia, a highly, nastily contagious condition, in my home for 23 months.

And no one else has caught it.

Clearly, my house is way cleaner than my mother thinks. Boo-yah!


Steph, G's Mom said...

what i wanna know is, what kind of unholy madness are you going to unleash on the chipper nurse and doctor's office who apparently can't comprehend the word POSITIVE GIARDIA on a lab test result?

geralyn said...

So idiot nurse must have mistaken the word POSITIVE, as hey, it's good news, no giardia.

But this dr. office story reminds me of what happend when marc and I were going thru our medical tests for the adoption of the little boys. We had to go and have our Syphillis tests done and when the nurse called to tell me we were both free and clear of the disease, I told her I had kind of thought they would be and her response caught me cold and then I burst into a psych ward, crazy person laugh. She told me, "Well good for you" in this happy, chipper, put-a-way-your-hooker-heels-and-quit-whoring kind of upbeat voice.

Keep treating the stink. It's really a crappy job, isn't it? Hehehe

Cheryl said...

LOL! Just got home from Haiti and my nose reminded me that you never forget the smell of giardia!

Corey said...

Lovely. Did they put him on Alinia? That's what it took to kill it at our house (6 months after child came home.). Seriously, things no one ever told you about in adoption training classes.

Also, please will you marry me and we can run away and raise our children together? I promise to own my shiznit. ;-)

Sara E. said...

I laughed outloud at this post! Believe me girl, laughing "with you" not "at you". Call me juvenile, but I LOVED all the butt jokes...still laughing here, I am surprised I didn't wake my husband. Soooo happy you are finally getting to the "bottom" of this...LOL! I am sorry, I think I am overtired.
Now to get to the bottom of that ped. office...something definitely stinks there! Sara E