Thursday, July 28, 2011

Loneliness

This has been a very lonely week for me.

I miss Hatfield and Atticus so much it hurts. I'm a bit surprised to realize that many others do not get this or think it is somehow weird. But, I think it is one of the dynamics of being a homeschool family. I'm with my kids all the time. They are who I prefer to be with. I'm not used to them being away from the house day after day. And I miss the terribly and feel so lonely.

I recognize that their job in life is not to make me feel less lonely or keep me emotionally regulated. I'm not a parent like that.

A couple months back in marital counseling, I was crabbing about something. In return, our therapist said something which shocked me and first, truthfully, angered me. He said, "It sounds like Sarah is very lonely in the marriage."

I was pissed. I mean, how pathetic does that sound? I don't want to be looked at or viewed as a sad, lonely person. I want to be a person who lives life to the fullest, or at the very least, survives with finesse.

But the therapist was right. I feel lonely, and quite often. I don't blame my husband or my marriage for it. I don't blame my kids. Really, it comes down to me and how I choose to handle my life.

I can't control how other's treat me. Ask any Trauma Mama and you'll get a huge Amen, Sister to that one.

Having a child who rejects you constantly is a terribly, lonely experience. Because as a mother, your job is to love. I was smart enough to know that my children would come home and not love me. Having lived in an orphanage for four years, I knew my sons would have no idea what a mother is, what a family is, and how to function in them.

I knew there would be struggles. I knew that I would have to give a lot of love, and that love would feel like it was falling flat.

What I didn't know is just how terribly stinging and lonely the constant rejection would be. Having a child look into your eyes while they are peeing on the floor less than 6 inches from you is maddening, yes. But the overriding emotion for me is loneliness.

I see how fearful and alone my son is, and I know he is drowning in it.

Even as I extend my hand to him, I feel my own loneliness crashing upon me like tidal waves as my love and care is constantly rejected.

I've had to set a lot of boundaries in the past few months for myself. Within my role as a mother, wife, friend, extended family member.

While the boundaries are for my self-health, self-worth, self-dignity, some of those boundaries have angered others. I knew that they would, but at a core level, I have to take care of myself.

But I'm finding that feeling others' resentment and anger and disapproval directed at me for those boundaries, again, leaves me feeling lonely.

Which makes me feel kinda pathetic. Like I'm destined to be a lonely old woman with a ton of cats when I grow old.

A friend of mine received an assignment in therapy where she had to write an essay on who she is. The kicker being that she couldn't use her roles to define her.

&#*$, I thought. I can't even been to imagine having to write that.

Which is a problem, because I should be able to. I'm nearly 37 years old, and yet, there are many times where I still feel like I'm just kind of floating between a bunch of situations that I'm not really conquering or surviving. I guess by floating I really mean treading water.

Sometimes I feel very strong and kick-ass. I feel like no matter what is thrown at me, I can handle it and move forward and get smarter and stronger.

Loneliness undermines that, and quickly.

But I have to start, once again, focusing on me and my own person while I move beyond the uncomfortable gnawing feeling loneliness leaves me with. I am worthwhile. My feelings are valid. I am strong. I am my own person without apologizing for who I am.

Seriously, I'm 36 years old, and I think it's time that I start defining myself for myself, loneliness be damned.




1 comment:

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

Your friend's therapy assignment is brutal...I COULD NOT DO THAT! So much of who I am is dictated by my roles. Mother, student, teacher, wife, caretaker, etc.

You are indeed correct that loneliness undermines any other positive emotion quickly. I love you last statement that "loneliness be damned."