Friday, October 29, 2010

Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time, in the Land of Beer, Cheese and Football, lived a Middle-Aged Lady who Resided in a Quaint and Cozy Abode Built in One Thousand, Nine Hundred and Seventy-Five.

Each and every day, this Lady's valiant Knight rode off to work, leaving her home with their 5 young ladies and lasses.

Now, at the time of our Story, what should have happened to befall upon this Land of Beer, Cheese and Football but a Wind Storm of Newsworthy Proportions.

By the Third Morning of such a blustery spell, the Lady's daughter, the Fair Maiden Hatfield, awoke in a state of great distress.

"Oh, Mother Dearest, there is but a Horrible Noise in my room that has frightened me so, for a good deal of the last fortnight!" the Golden Beauty cried.

Although Tired and in Great Need of a Dye Job, the Middle Aged Lady managed to fly upstairs, determine to root out the source of All that Ails her beloved daughter.

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.


Goosebumps befell the two women.

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

HkHkHkeeeeeeeee...........( a more guttural hissing sound
. Like a PISSED OFF wild rabid rodent sound.)

"Ay caramba!" the Lady cried! "A Wild and Uncouth Beast has Cast a Spell of Death upon our Quaint and Cozy Abode! And from thou's Cold Air Return Vent, my fairest, eldest daughter!"

A strong woman, she fought back all urge to faint, and ran to beckon her Brave and Noble Knight Home.

Some time later, the Brave and Valiant Knight Mister rode in on his trusty Subaru. Stripping of his usual Suit of Armor, this Knight put on his trusty dungarees and favorite stained t-shirt and dashed off to the Carriage House to retrieve his trusty, noble StepLadder.

As one of the bravest of brave men, this Knight climbed high aloft into the dingy and dusty Attic. Searing High and Searching Low, the Knight ignored all Angry Sounds emitting forth from the Unknown Dangerous and Rabid Creature, instead focusing his efforts on unearthing such creature from the High Recesses of the Attic.

Alas, no such creature could be found.

Undaunted, our Brave Knight then lowered himself in the Dark and Dank Dungeon, boldly thumping on the numerous Hollow Air Vents, in hopes of awakening such a Vile Beast from the bowels of the HVAC system's belly.

Yet again, alas, no luck befalleth him thus far.

Yet never one to succumb to defeat, this Brave and Noble Knight used his Large and Bulging Muscles to move his fair daughter's Bunk Beds and to chip away the paint from the screws holding the air vent into the wall.

(Sigh, 'tis true, this Quaint and Cozy Abode was indeed inhabited by people Too Lazy to Remove Air Vents Before Painting.)

Upon placing his Trusty and Noble Step Ladder upon the wall to peer into the Dark and Ominous Air Vent, our Knight realized that the narrow, dark cavity gave no hint as to the Dangerous and Rabid Demon's identity.

Yet have no fear, after breaking several of the Middle-Aged Lady's Make-up Compacts to obtain their Prized Mirrors (after all, our Lady does not really want to gaze upon her Grey Roots), borrowing several Spatulas from the Cook's Kitchen, Snaring some Yarn from the Darning Woman's knitting bag, and retrieving his stash of Duct Tape, the Ingenious Knight concocted a system of elongated mirrors so that he could see into the Air Ductwork.

Cowering with fear, the Middle-Aged Lady and her babe, wee Princess Paloma, cowered on the back of the couches in the Living Room, lest a Wild and Rabid beast were to escape from upstairs, traverse the staircase, and seek it's latest meal in these two, worried souls.

With his Three Courageous and Enthusiastic Sons, this Brave Knight climbed the ladder, lowered his mirror system into the dark depths, and turned on his flashlight.

Suddenly, in a blink of an eye, thunderous noise filled the Quaint and Cozy Abode as the Three Courageous and Enthusiastic Sons Flew---Yes, FLEW!-- down the grand staircase.

"Good Lady! Good Lady!" they hollered. "Our Brave and Noble Knight hereby Requests--no, Demands--a Net!!!"

Nothing more could be heard except for the Loud Screams emitted by the Middle Aged Lady and her petite Princess Paloma.

Followed by the slamming of the Front Door.
The starting of her Trusty Chariot.
And the Peeling of Tires.

Having Escaped that Depraved Scene,the Good Lady and her youngest child sought refuge in the home of Lovely Lady Boone.

Sensing the frazzled and frayed nerves of her good friend, Lady Boone poured up some wine and locked all of the children in her dungeon.

Meanwhile, back at the Quaint and Cozy Abode, our Brave and Noble and Patient Knight was on his Trusty StepLadder, telephone to his ear, seeking the Wise and Wordly Counsel of our local Wildlife Nuisance Control Expert.

"Please, good Sir, describe to me what your eyes fall upon," the Expert gently advised.

"Yes, Wise Friend. I'm hearing the sound as we speak," the Knight began.

"Ay, yea. I heareth the sound as well, good Sir."

"Well, my Wise Man, I see. . I see. . Hang on a moment, for a piece of Insulation has broken free on one side and has partially fallen into the depths of Duct Work, obstructing my view."

The Wise Counsel paused for a moment, then ventured, "My Brave and Noble Knight, did you say a piece of Loosened Insulation is obstructing your view?"

"Why, yes, I am saying as such," our Brave and Noble Knight affirmed.

Then, right in front of his Brave and Noble Eyes, our Good Knight witnessed a draft of wind blow the piece of Loosened Insulation downwards.

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

"Huh," the Brave and Noble Knight noted. "Looky there."

But a short moment later, the draft of wind lessened and slowly, the piece of Loosened Insulation alighted.


"Good Lord, my Good Man, do you suppose that the Dreaded Deadly and Rabid Beast is actually a piece of Loosened Insulation?!?! A piece that loosened due to the Age and Nature of the Air Ductwork of the Quaint and Cozy Abode built in One Thousand Nine Hundred and Seventy-Five?!?! Further aggravated by this Incredible Windstorm of Newsworthy Proportion!?!?" the Wise Counsel suggested.

As the Brave and Noble Knight, with the aid of his trusty mirrors and flashlight, then witnessed, another backdraft of air take upon the Insulation.

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

HkHkHkeeeeeeeee...........( a more guttural hissing sound
. Like a PISSED OFF wild rabid rodent sound.)

"Ay, 'tis True, 'tis True!" the Brave and Noble Knight proclaimed. "We doth Solved our Mystery! Won't the Fine Middle-Aged Lady of the Home be overcome with Joy and Relief!"

Upon saying good-bye to his Wise Friend, the Brave and Noble Knight then called his good Lady to share the Good News.

"My Lady! My Lady! It brings my heart Great Joy to tell you, that no such Non-Domesticated Wild Creature has taken up Residence in the Air Ductwork of our Quaint and Cozy Abode!"

"Oh, my Brave and Noble Knight, your news makes my mind faint with relief and my heart swell with pride over your Brave and Noble and Intelligent actions," the Good Lady responded.

Knocking back the rest of her vino in one great gulp, the Good Lady gathered her kin and began the journey back to the Quaint and Cozy Abode. And back into the Arms of her Brave and Noble Knight.

And they lived Happily, Ever After.

The End.


Corey said...

Oh my freaking head. I nearly peed myself laughing so hard. Thank God you did not pay the other guy a thousand dollars...

Joy said...


ania said...

I'd never have guessed! I'm glad it didn't cost any money to figure it out.

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Marta said...

Thank you for that, wow, did I laugh!!!

Janet said...

What a great ending to a hilarious story!

Amy said...

Oh that's funny! Glad it had a happy ending, much better than the real live dead squirrels at our house.

Sara said...

Great story...with a happy ending!

I'm the same way when it comes to any type of weird sounds....spiders..etc. In fact, if Dan gets a spider/bug, I make him show me the kleenex for proof that he really did get it. A few times he tried tricking me, when I knew he didn't get the bug/spider, and tried to whisk it off to the garbage (empty kleenex...ha!!) So, now I demand proof. :-) He just loves that.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone seen my man card? I swear I had it a minute ago....

Mr. Almost-saved-the-day
(really, if there is no dragon to slay, can you really be a hero?)