Tuesday, February 09, 2010

"Dance Moms"

Hatfield and Atticus compete on competitive Tap and Jazz dance troupes (or as Paloma--a Fancy Nancy fanatic---tells us, 'that's a fancy word for teams.') In addition to the tap and jazz classes, they have to study ballet, take classes on flexibility and conditioning, and my all time favorite--leaping, because every well-rounded child should have taken a class on how to leap, right?

(Eye roll.)

Since this is their first year in Troupe, I'm learning in that this is Big Stuff in the world of child/teen dance studios.
Big Time Commitment.
Big Costume Commitment.
Big Money Commitment.
Big What Were We Thinking? Commitment

I say that last one in a joking manner, because we really are quite happy with dance.

I've also learned about the term "Dance Mom."
Dance Mom's fall into several categories:

Category #1: The Toddler & Tiara Mom
These Moms put their Heart, Soul, Pocketbook and Make-up Bag into their children. They all sit together at practices, have the teachers' cell phone numbers on their speed dial, and feel free to make choreography suggestions to the teachers so their little princesses get more F.R.T (that's Front Row Time, in case you don't know.)

These mothers FAWN over the costumes. When the costumes come in, they Ooooohhhh and Aaaaaahhhh over them. They stroke the costumes, rub the satiny polyester blend lightly over their cheeks, and have them professionally altered.

Category #2: The S*xy Moms
These are the Moms whose main goal in their post-20s life is for some male species to refer to them as a MILF just once in their lives.

Big hair. Big Makeup. Big Boobs. Tight Shirts. Tight Jeans.

In addition to being S*xy, they also like to be the "Cool" Moms who try to connect with their kids by acting like teenagers themselves.

Category #3: The Frumpy Frannies
They take up ALL the good comfy chairs in the dance studios, where they seem parked each and every day from when school lets out until the studios close. They stink up the joint with their Fritos and Cheetos and McDonald's Happy Meals. While I don't know their names, I know the names of all their younger children because these moms bring Nothing for these tots to do, so they are constantly yelling: "Tyler, get down off that counter!" "Marissa, stop eating the dirt in the potted plant, so help me!" "Danny, go ask the nice lady at the counter if she has any coloring books and crayons or toys for you to play with."

Category #4: The Rest of Us
We just try to get our kids to dance on time. We try to keep track of costumes and which tights go with what costume and do we need tan tap shoes and black jazz shoes, or is it the other way around? We try to mooch a safety pin or hemming tape off of a T&T mom since we didn't think ahead to actually have our costumes professionally tailored.

In other words, we are The Clueless Moms.

My friend Roxanne and I, who go way back to PreNatal Water Aerobics when we were preggo with Atticus and Eva, are certainly of the clueless variety. We spend LOTS of time labeling and making fun of other moms.

"Did you just see that Tiara Mom over there?" I'll say on the D.L. "She's gonna have to dry clean that costume because she just drooled over it."

Or Roxanne will come in, "Okay, I couldn't get a parking space because 5 Tiara moms out there are standing in a circle, STROKING the new ballet costume."

We gag.

God Bless friends like Roxanne.

* * * * * * * *
But of course, last week Hatfield came home with her ballet costume.

It looks like something out of a Fairy Tale.

I am in Love with this dress.

The next thing I knew I found myself stroking it. And wondering if I could possibly try it on.

I called Roxanne. "Help!" I wailed. "Hatfield brought home her ballet costume and I found myself stroking it adoringly!"



"I did the same with Eva's."

Moment of silent. "I think it's okay with ballet. But promise me if I ever drool on a Jazz outfit, you'll bitchslap me. I'll do the same for you."


Whew. As I said before, Thank God for friends like Roxanne. Because I don't wanna know who I'd become without her.


Sarah & Crew said...

Funny and true post (although I never see category #2. ;) )

You have to do a posting about dads and their types (ones who don't want to be there, ones willing to be there, and Chuck Norris!)

I'll admit, when I saw Atticus' outfit that had a vest and a bowtie, I thought the equivalent of a male "aaaahhhhh", which is "that's my boy. that is MY boy. that's my BOY!"


Anonymous said...

What a great post. As another clueless dance mom... I can totally relate. Thanks for the huge smile this morning. I needed it!

Salzwedel Family said...

Ha ha ha...I NEED to make a road trip to visit you. We could SO be IRL friends.

Sawatzky family said...

So see myseilf in this post with my Sophia and her ballet! lol
Although I think I see myself in tiny bit in all the types lol!
Great post Sarah :)

bbbunch said...

You crack me up! I remember Roxanne from the prenatal class...cute, red hair, glasses if I remember? FUNNY!

Last year I really REALLY liked Bella's ballet dress...it was just so GIRLY!! The #1's are sure fun to laugh about. I called in to pay for Bella's 2nd semester fees and the woman informed me that my $475 bill (for one semester. for one child.) was nothing because she had 2 daughters in dance. Joy. Oh well...I do like that she is having fun :) Wish I was a #2 (just kidding!)

mama bear said...

LOVE it! My mom was a dance mom, as I spent 13 years in dance lessons. I would say she was in category #4, although she did chaperone a Washington DC trip with our troop once year. She had a miserable time because the sexy moms decided to shun her for purchasing the same brand perfume as the ring leader.

I had two of my girls take dance lessons but neither of them wanted to continue after a year. I was disappointed for them, but glad I didn't have to deal with the dance moms. I did not have a friend to keep it real like you do.