Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Struggling

Today, I am struggling with feelings of sadness.

I trust that my little boys WILL be home.

But I am sad that they are not here.

I am struggling with feelings of envy for others who have files moving in positive directions. It brings my heart great joy anytime someone gets their children out of Haiti. It's a victory for all of us adopting families.

But, I would like my turn. I've been waiting in line far longer than many others. Yet our files sit (understandably, for the moment), waiting for good movement, yet the knowledge that what could happen next may not be good is never far from my mind.

Ever since I was little, I wanted a houseful of kids. I must have read Cheaper by the Dozen a dozen times! In sixth grade, while walking home with Sarah K., I told her that someday I would like to have a dozen children.

Well, I still want that houseful of kids. I love and adore and am so grateful for my 3 precious blessings here at home! But I long for my little ones in Haiti to join us here at home.

Every day I look at these little backpacks on their door.

Did you know that owls are very patient waiters? Nary a complaint escapes their beaks.

I remember how those two ran around and around the Guesthouse courtyard, Keenan wearing his over his belly, Miles on his back. Those little backpacks so much larger than their little bodies.



If I'm really still, I can hear their little voices mix in with those of my children here at home.

I can sense their little presences in my home.

I can imagine how it will feel to bend over three beds to kiss three little boys good night.

The reality of this wait saddens my heart.
The promises of those blessings make my spirit soar.

11 comments:

Amanda said...

Oh Sarah. I'm sorry you're having a sad day. I know what that's like. I think sometimes our sadness is even more defined as we watch others struggle as well. This is by far the hardest thing I ever could have done. I do hope you receive the news you need this week so that the sweet voices mingling with the rest of your family will finally be a reality.

ManyBlessings said...

It's ok to be sad. Your mommy heart is so tender and at some point it just gets tired. (((HUGS)))

Please know that I am praying. My heart is just breaking for you.

dawn

Luke said...

I'm right there with you... there are, last I heard, 65 families matched with children waiting for Kyrgyzstan to start the process rolling.

65 families.

We're just one of them.

It is so hard not to get discouraged.

Hang in there!

Lord, I ask that You would comfort Sarah and move to get her children to her. Open the doors and start the paperwork moving. Amen!

~Luke

Me said...

I can so relate to this post today. Love you and am praying for you.

bbbunch said...

Sending lots and lots of love your way...sorry you are having a sad day. Love you!

Beck

Aves @ Call of the Phoebe said...

I understand the exhaustion of the warring emotions. I sometimes think it is what wears a person our more than anything. I am sad for this, happy for that etc.,

Praying you find some peace in the middle of this adoption war zone you find yourself in.

Aves

Jenn said...

I can remember them running around Walls wearing those little owl backpacks.

Soon.

Soon they will be home.

mama bear said...

So sorry you are sad. I hope and pray your kids will be home soon! The owl backpacks are so adorable, waiting for their owners to wear them again. Soon!

small town girl said...

(((Hugs)))

Those are the cutest backpacks. I can't wait till they are home running around with those on!

AmyBaker said...

Still praying!

Leslie said...

Praying too!