Thursday, March 12, 2009


Last night, Hatfield and I went swimsuit shopping. Here is my letter to swimming suit designers for women:

Dear Women Swimsuit Designers & the Stores Who Sell that Crap:

I hate you. Really, truly, I do. I know it's not Christian of me, yet I have NO intention of asking for forgiveness in this matter. I truly think you all will rightfully burn in Hell, right next to all those "compassionate" USCIS folks.

Tell me something, Designer People. How is that I wear a size -- jeans, yet the size of my swimsuit bottom must double that number? Do you think this makes a woman feel good? Do you think that a woman wants to purchase a suit with that number splashed across the tag? No!

Haven't you learned that a 10 is the new 4? You should. You would probably sell a whole lot more swimsuits that way.

As for you stores, I was watching Good Morning America on Tuesday, and a shopping "expert" was explaining how stores "entice" consumers to consume by slanting mirrors so the shopper looks taller, leaner and leggier.

Clearly, Bathing Suit Department Manager, you missed that marketing class.

Don't you know that I would be more apt to buy more swimsuits if your mirrors made me look good? And why can't you understand the concept of "Soft and Gentle Lighting?" Don't you know that your lighting makes my ghostly white skin and blue varicose veins look like I'm in a nightclub flooded with blacklights?

I'm guessing that your IQ's fall somewhere below the 80 mark.

Get a clue.
Mrs. C.

* * * * * * *

Now, onto my next beef: girls and junior swimsuits.

Dear Designers of Girl and Junior Swimsuits, and the Stores Which Sell Such Crap:

I hate you. Really, truly, I do. I hate you even more than I hate the Women Swimsuit designers because this involves my baby girl. So now you have my mother rage against you all. I hope you all get stuck in a Sisyphean hell where you are forced to wear teen girl swimsuits day after day, in bad lighting.

Now for you Girl Swimsuit Designers. Please, explain to me why a 3 T swimsuit fit my very small 18 month old perfectly? And my tiny 3T-clothing child must wear a size 5 swimsuit? You have the same problem as the Women Designers, only in reverse. Why can't my size 12/14 daughter wear a 12/14 swimsuit? Why can't a size 16 work for her?

My daughter is only 10 1/2. She is of average size and wears a size 12/14. Tell me why, then, I should have to go into a junior swimwear department.

I'm going to make this blanket statement about junior/preteen swimwear designers:


Because what grown adult on this earth would want a 13 to look this "s*xy" except a pedophile?

And as far as our "One Piece" options, I was supposed to find this acceptable?

I mean, seriously, you expect me to put a swimsuit like that on my 10 year old?!? Would you seriously put that on your 12 year old?

Too Disgusted for Any Further Words to You Swimsuit Designing Scum of the Earth,
Mrs. C.

* * * * * * * *

My brain is Fried.

The swimsuit excursion was the last straw. My brain has now turned into a substance shockingly similar to the pink cotton candy Miss Paloma and Mr. Atticus mowed down at the Circus last weekend.

Ah, wholesome cuteness.
Something pre-teen/teen swimsuit designers obviously never heard about.


Salzwedel Family said...

You are my hero. I know we would get along famously in real life.

Jenn said...

I know we already talked about this on FB but I wanted to say it again for the record....bathing suit designers have a very special place in Hell reserved just for them.

And what is with the sales girls at the store? Why do they all weigh 100 pounds and look like models? They tell you in one breath that you look great and in the next they are on the phone refilling their birth control prescription, in hopes of avoiding ever looking like us.

bbbunch said...

Amen sister. It is one thing to feel bad about the way I look in a suit...but there are REASONS for that. When it comes to my children...I am SO right there with you! What's with the whore-ish swimsuits for young girls? And we WONDER why America's teens act the way they do??? It doesn't just stop at swimsuits, either though. Have you SEEN how some young girls of that age dress? Yikes.

By the way...wanna know what looks even WORSE in bad lighting? Cellulite. Ugh.


Anonymous said...

I enjoyed both the post and the comments. Nothing much to joke here about and I agree very much with all comments.

On the guy side, I tell my little son that we only wear one piece bathing suits! Unless, of course, Dad is way too out of shape. Then the conservative two-piece (shorts and a t-shirt) is alright- strictly making sure to cover the unadulterated masculinity brimming beneath. Wouldn't want to cause a disturbance by unleashing such....awesome power.


Melanie said...

I agree and while we are at it, let's just ban fluorescent lighting all together...especially in public restrooms...really do we need to highlight the black circles under my eyes.

And on a cuter note...I believe that picture of Paloma should be a contender for the Christmas card. I love it!

laura said...

Sarah I haven't bought a suit in years, too painful. But, last time I was up for it I went with Lands End catalog, much less painful and conservative styles. Try on at home and send the ones you don't like back. Use the good lighting and privacy of home.

Anonymous said...

ok...... i just read all of the comments and complaints...

and seriously, if you are so hell bent on hating the swimsuits, dont buy the damn things!!

it pains me to see people complain, and the fact of the matter is, the companies that produce swimwear, are solely out to sell....... your oppinion of them doesnt really matter. sorry to break it to you..

and, about the whole, twelve year old in a two piece..... i personally wouldnt let my daughter wear a two piece until a good while after puberty, because the maturity level would be where it needs to be, and honestly, i have been told that a two piece is more comfortable.......

OH, and not all one piece swimsuits are as someone said "whoreish."

these are the style's of today, girls are less modest, live with it... you cant go out and change every person's oppinion, or the way they dress!!!!!! its a personal choice, and if you dont like it, thats fine...... i have no problem with you not allowing your daughters to wear such clothes, but there is no need to talk badly against the people that think it is okay......