Friday, January 30, 2009

Letter to My Two Little Boys

Dear Keenan and Miles,

I wonder about the two of you and your days in the orphanage. I realize that for you both, the creche is your home. You're not sad about being there, and it is your home and security. When we bring you home with us, we expect that you will be sad and angry; that you will need to vent and mourn. It is one of the very sad aspects of adoption. But I am your Mama and I will be here to hold your hand, give you hugs and kisses, and be patient as you both work through what you need to work through.

On Tuesday night, I had a dream I checked my email and USCIS had emailed me. I could feel my fingers clicking the keyboard as I opened up that email and read, "Your I-600 is approved. Your Visa appointment will be scheduled in the next business week. Please contact your orphanage representative."

Oh my! The elation I felt in that dream! In my dream I laughed and cried and picked up the phone to call people. The elation and joy and excitement was so real.

I awoke to that same elation. Then I bitterly realized it was a dream, but that elation just wouldn't subside. I spent the day so excited by the glimpse of what it would feel like to bring you both home.

Nearly two years ago, I met you. I hugged you. I kissed you. Keenan, you were so sick and I cuddled you and didn't put you down. I was so worried about you and it made me feel like a real Mama to you.

Since then, I have not thought about touching you boys. Kissing you. Holding you. It hurt too much and made the wait seem beyond unbearable. But this past week, I've allowed myself. I imagined hugging you in the airport and stroking your little faces. I wonder how full your hands will feel in mine.

I feel like I am failing you both right now. Your files are stuck. Stuck. I do not know what to do. I am so close to getting you home, but I don't know how. It worries me so much and angers me tremendously.

I pray a lot for you both. A lot. Many, many loving people are praying for you to be brought home. But there is so much to this that I don't understand. I don't understand how it is still your files being held back. We have so much here to give you. A loving family. Wonderful friends. An incredible church family.

I spend a lot of time asking God, "Why won't you bring my little boys home?" I spend a lot of time begging God, "Please! Help us!"

At the age of 4, I certainly would not expect you boys to understand anything I'm sharing here. What I hope is that someday when you are older, no matter how you may feel about me, you can read this and know just how loved from afar you were. Just how hard we fought for you. Just how many prayers were prayed for you.

I love you. I will wait for you both forever, but I certainly hope I don't have to.
Your Adoring Mama


Salzwedel Family said...

Standing with you in prayer Sarah. I'm praying this dream was a sign of good news to come.

Aves @ Call of the Phoebe said...

Beautiful and I can hear your pain..I am sorry, I wish there was something to be done in the physical as well as in the spiritual through prayers. As I have stated before, I just don't understand this whole process...


bbbunch said...

Beautiful. And now I'm crying.


geralyn said...

I could have written that same letter to my two boys waiting for us in Haiti. This past week has been the worst so far of this whole, king adoption process. I have doubted that God was even listening to me and my prayers to bring my boys home. Home to where they will know what it feels like to have a mom and dad and brother and sister to love them forever.

We have been stuck in MOI since October with no explanation as to why. They tell us our file is not missing anything and that it is just how it is. But don't they know they are humans with souls who need to be in a forever family. My heart aches for my boys to come home. I sure hope you get your phone call any minute now and that your kids are in your arms momentarily.

Loved your post. Make sure you keep it for your kids to read years from now.

small town girl said...

Look at it as a little gift from Heaven. Just to let you know it's going to happen, so have faith dear girl!

That is a beautiful letter to your boys. Soon, oh soon, soon, soon please dear Lord!

Kristen said...

What a beautiful letter, full of truth. We are in process too, of a little boy named Keanan!
I also dream of that email from USCIS. It seems very far away right now.