C'est la vie, I guess.
So this morning the big dummy that I am calls the DNA lab to check on the status of our samples.
They're. Not. There.
And as far as the lab can determine, the DNA test has net yet been taken.
Honestly, I don't know what in the Sam Hill I am doing with my life anymore. Forgive the 'Sam Hill' thing, but I am determined not to use a single expletive in this post, because the first one would set of a string of never-ending expletives.
With this news I am left wondering, Am I doing the right thing here?
Because I just don't know.
You would think that if I was doing the right thing here, we wouldn't have these insane, constant setbacks.
You would think that if I was doing something right here, I could get a DNA sample taken in the 5-10 days like everyone else. But ours was requested October 10th, and here we are at DECEMBER 10. Nothing.
If I was doing the right thing, wouldn't you think that would have happened by now? That we would not be sitting here SIXTY-ONE days later with nothing? That we wouldn't be no closer to getting them home after getting out of MOI on JULY 3?
So many times, I have been told by other adopting parents, "We watch your file and shake our heads in disbelief. You all can't seem to catch a break. I am so sorry."
I am so, so grateful for these kind people who let me know they're thinking of us, rooting for us. But I am SO TIRED of having files that are a train wreck.
It's just a sick, twisted ride. And I'm not a ride person. I get vertigo on the carousel. I throw up at doing a somersault. So why in the world did I ever choose to do this?
At this point in my blog, I typically leave a cute picture of the boys with a little uplifting, I'm-not-in-the-complete-depths-of-despair comment like, "they're worth it" or "we'll wait forever."
Today, I just cannot leave on a little note like that.
Emily is doing an adorable thing over on her blog called, Everday Unwrapped. About living in the moment. Not caring about anything else except the beauty right in front of you right then. And I've read some incredible posts inspired by that.
I just can't get there right now. I want to be there. But for right now, it is taking every ounce of my strength to keep my tantrums to my showers and alone bedtime. I'm here, but I feel so incredibly disengaged from everything.
I wonder if this has been the right thing. I think of all the financial stress, emotional stress, physical stress that could have been avoided. I go days barely eating anything due to the stress. I carry tremendous guilt over how financially strained we are, how spacey I am, how tired I am.
Maybe I was selfish to start this entire adoption process. Maybe everything that has been happening is a warning to tell us to stop. Give up. Feel blessed with the three we have at home and move on.
Right now it's hard to feel good about anything. I feel like we're on a downward slide that is quickly building momentum.
And here I hoped that by mid-30's, I would feel like I have something figured out. But I don't. I just don't know up from down anymore. And I'm getting a serious case of motion sickness from the constant jerking motion.