Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What am I doing?

Okay, I feel really badly that last night I wrote our Christmas Newsletter, and was all, "Sarah blogs about her family's adventures; we'd love to hear from you! Leave us a comment!" and now they'll log on and read my big, ugly tantrum here.

C'est la vie, I guess.

So this morning the big dummy that I am calls the DNA lab to check on the status of our samples.

They're. Not. There.

And as far as the lab can determine, the DNA test has net yet been taken.

Honestly, I don't know what in the Sam Hill I am doing with my life anymore. Forgive the 'Sam Hill' thing, but I am determined not to use a single expletive in this post, because the first one would set of a string of never-ending expletives.

With this news I am left wondering, Am I doing the right thing here?

Because I just don't know.

You would think that if I was doing the right thing here, we wouldn't have these insane, constant setbacks.

You would think that if I was doing something right here, I could get a DNA sample taken in the 5-10 days like everyone else. But ours was requested October 10th, and here we are at DECEMBER 10. Nothing.

If I was doing the right thing, wouldn't you think that would have happened by now? That we would not be sitting here SIXTY-ONE days later with nothing? That we wouldn't be no closer to getting them home after getting out of MOI on JULY 3?

So many times, I have been told by other adopting parents, "We watch your file and shake our heads in disbelief. You all can't seem to catch a break. I am so sorry."

I am so, so grateful for these kind people who let me know they're thinking of us, rooting for us. But I am SO TIRED of having files that are a train wreck.

It's just a sick, twisted ride. And I'm not a ride person. I get vertigo on the carousel. I throw up at doing a somersault. So why in the world did I ever choose to do this?

At this point in my blog, I typically leave a cute picture of the boys with a little uplifting, I'm-not-in-the-complete-depths-of-despair comment like, "they're worth it" or "we'll wait forever."

Today, I just cannot leave on a little note like that.

Emily is doing an adorable thing over on her blog called, Everday Unwrapped. About living in the moment. Not caring about anything else except the beauty right in front of you right then. And I've read some incredible posts inspired by that.

I just can't get there right now. I want to be there. But for right now, it is taking every ounce of my strength to keep my tantrums to my showers and alone bedtime. I'm here, but I feel so incredibly disengaged from everything.

I wonder if this has been the right thing. I think of all the financial stress, emotional stress, physical stress that could have been avoided. I go days barely eating anything due to the stress. I carry tremendous guilt over how financially strained we are, how spacey I am, how tired I am.

Maybe I was selfish to start this entire adoption process. Maybe everything that has been happening is a warning to tell us to stop. Give up. Feel blessed with the three we have at home and move on.

Right now it's hard to feel good about anything. I feel like we're on a downward slide that is quickly building momentum.

And here I hoped that by mid-30's, I would feel like I have something figured out. But I don't. I just don't know up from down anymore. And I'm getting a serious case of motion sickness from the constant jerking motion.


Leslie said...

I'm so sorry. I have some similar experiences, although in a different part of the process, so I know it is so hard to understand and to go through. You're in my thoughts. Hang in there.

Sawatzky Kids said...

Oh Sarah...
I am so sorry.
Still praying.

Jen said...

The entire ride of adoption leaves one feeling like they are swimming in an alternative Universe. I felt like I had one foot in the real world and the other in Haiti. Some days both feet were firmly planted here but sadly many days every part of me was thousands of miles away...

Don't give up. The boys will come home. I am not sure why you are being put through all of this nor do I have any insightly words of wisdom for you, but I do know it gets better.

Hang in there, my friend.

Salzwedel Family said...

Have your fit. You deserve to. This totally bites. Adoption is so multifaceted - beauty & heartache all rolled into one. Praying!

small town girl said...

I don't know why you are being so sorely tested, but I know that you are. I shake my head; I do not understand it there is no rhyme or reason to what is going on with your file.

But I do not believe you are being selfish or doing the wrong thing. You are doing the right thing, and sometimes doing the right thing is very hard as we already know. I hope the obstacles smooth out for you soon. Those are your boys and they will be home.

Hugs to you Sarah

Aves @ Call of the Phoebe said...

Your and Me's situation leave me dumb founded....I just don't get it either..what are all these road blocks for, I just don't understand, but I sure am sorry and thinking and praying for your situation daily....


bbbunch said...

I'm here for you Sarah. I don't have much else to offer you, but my friendship and support. I'm sorry for what you are going through lovey.


Katy said...

I am so so sorry I don't have any answers, or any words of wisdom, but all I know is, don't ever lose hope that these boys belong with you. I cannot tell you why God is choosing you and your family for this battle, or if you'll ever know, but hold onto them in your heart above all else. Still praying for the boulders and evil to be conquered. And soon.

Amy said...

Oh boy, do I know how you feel. You said exactly what is in my heart. We're at 39 months and counting. This is our 4th Christmas without him. I know it doesn't make you feel better to know that others are in the same place you are (or it doesn't make me feel better-I just feel bad for them too) but at least you know that I have empathy with you. Hang in there.