Monday, November 03, 2008

And the bad news just keeps on coming. . .

3 1/2 weeks ago, the U.S. Consulate requested a DNA test to be done on one of our sons and their birth mom. The purpose of this test is to confirm the maternity and subsequent legal right this woman has to relinquish this child.

The test has not yet been administered. And won't be any time soon.

Yet MORE errors were discovered with our boys' passports. Both will need to be resubmitted, and new, correct passports will need to be reissued. Last time it took over 6 weeks for our passport mistakes to be corrected.

No correct passport. No DNA test.

No DNA test. No Visa.

No Visa. No homecoming.

Sara E. commented that the Lord must have some very specific, very special plans for our boys, as the enemy is pulling out all the stops in an effort to keep our boys in Haiti. I have always known that the Lord has big, beautiful plans for these boys. It is the thought I am desperately clinging to.

Clinging, because I would crumble if I couldn't hold on to that thought.

What I'm about to write makes me feel very selfish and ugly, but I'm going to share it anyway. I think I just need to get it off my chest.

I have worked so hard at keeping my chin up in these adoption trials. I have put my all into loving and enjoying my family here, to not be in a continual funk due, because that is not fair to them and I know that is what God wants.

I have worked my (emotional) ass off working through a dreadful personal problem, because I know that a resolution needed to be reached before the boys could come into our home.

I have gone up to the altar and gotten on my knees each Sunday at church to pray these boys home. I pray on my knees in my bedroom, begging for safety, health and homecoming for these little guys.

I have constantly tried to confirm my belief that the boys will come home when they are meant to. I have surrendered to this insane process so that God can work here.

I have done all these things, and yet here we are! Still hitting major stumbling block after stumbling block. And I am hurt! And mad! And scared! And mad! And hurt!

I know that I am being selfish and unreasonable here. I know that I have to surrender to this timeframe.

But I feel so alone here. I look at these delays and the empty beds in Atticus' bedroom, and the decaying conditions in Haiti, and I wonder if God is even with me here.

The Mister asked me if I have heard the story of Footprints. I have. He believes that while we feel as though we are walking alone, soon the boys will be home and we'll see that extra set of footprints, right there beside ours.

I know he is right. And I am clinging to that story.

But it is so hard.

And it hurts so much.

And sometimes, my heart and my head just doesn't get what my faith understands.


Me said...

I cannot believe this continual bad news. My heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry...and that sounds so trite.

Jen said...

I wish I had something profound to say to make this all better for you and your family, but I don't. All I can say is how truly sorry I am that this wait is dragging on and that your heart hurts so much.

Anonymous said...

Sarah, Me's mom here. I've followed your blog for some time. A few weeks ago you responded to Me's blog and asked if I would adopt you. The answer is a resounding "YES!" I think you and the Mister are awesome parents all the time. I know what Me has been going through for almost two years. I would not wish the agony on anyone, yet I know she has grown in many wonderful ways as I am certain you have also. I wish I were closer and I would come and cry with you and give you hugs and cook for you or whatever you want, but alas, I am in warm, sunny Texas. I do pray for you and your family. I do not understand this whole adoption situation. I, too, believe that it is Satan trying to destroy famiies. I pray every day for children the world over. One day you will have your little ones home and they will love the AWESOME parents they have been blessed with. I tell Me and I truly believe as Elisha told his servant in 2 Kings 6:17 - "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Angels seen and unseen surround us daily and they want those children to be in your arms. I realize words are not very comforting and change nothing. Please accept my love and prayers for you and your family.

bbbunch said...

Sarah...please don't be so hard on yourself for feeling the way you do! You do not in any way, shape or form sound selfish. You are disappointed, hurt, sad, and mad and that is okay to feel that way (God gave you THOSE emotions too, you know!) Think of how much you have learned, and how much you have grown since you started this process. Think of how much MORE you appreciate and take time with your kids already at home, while you wait for the arrival of your boys. YES, this waiting has been excruciating, but think of how FAR YOU'VE COME! Let God carry you are not alone and you are NOT selfish and ugly. You continue to be one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the privilege to know. We love you!
Becky & the bunch

Sawatzky Kids said...

My dear friend Sarah....I have no words that express my heartache and fustration for what you are walking through right now to get these precious boys home to their family. What I can say is God can handle our anger, in fact He wants it. He wants us to give it ALL to Him to carry that our hearts may be light and ready to receive His grace. I too wish I could be there to offer any and all of my support and love to you any time you needed it! It is so hard to be so far away from a someone I consider to be the dearest kind of friend when your family is trying to find their way through these trails. Know that I pray for God to literally take some of your pain and place it on me that I may carry a portion of your load and offer it up to Him.
Your strength through all of this has been amazing even on your worst days.
All our love and support
Shelly and family

Sawatzky Kids said...

Sarah your words have really touched me today.. I am a crying mess as I write this. I posted a prayer request for you over on our blog. You have been so heavy on my heart these last few days. To read this post today, is hearing God's words in my ears, please know that I am on my knees for you.

Aves @ Call of the Phoebe said...

This whole end process is starting to scare me too. I just don't understand it all and I am feeling a little fearful for my girls. I sure hope this time around it is much speedier process for you.


Anonymous said...

Hey Sarah it's Shawn. God will always be with you and so will we. We love you guys so much and it's a little exrta heart breaking for us because we're so far away. I pray that God will send a whole troop of angels to be with your boys and with you to keep encouraging you and your family.

This Mama said...

Hi Sarah,

I am not a Christian but wanted to say the Old Testement it was not blasphemous to feel angry or "talk back" to was a sign of having a close relationship.
sort of like when you yell at your husband.

I recall as a child my Father and step mother losing their twin baby boys and my Father going out on the back deck and yelling at God. I really wouldn't reccomend that as the neighbours might think your nutty (my Dad was never really too worried about that) but even Christ said in his darkest hour "My God why have you forsaken me?".

So when you complain, I don't think your selfish, I do not think it is wrong and I think you can just let the big guys have it. In the end (as Cliff said) you will see his work in it all but for feel forsaken.

Do not beat yourself up for all of this, you have held it together in ways I am not sure I could.

Should I get R to go break some kneecaps for you? .....kidding, kidding - Rob is like the opposite of aggressive but it felt good writing that.


Leslie said...

I am so sorry. Praying that this is all corrected and that you are all together soon.

Crystal said...

When I read this I felt sick deep in my stomach. I won't apologize but this sucks. I KNOW those boys will be home. Please know that I think about all the kids daily and they are always in my prayers as that is all I have right now. Go let out a big scream no one can really truly know unless they are adopting themselves and I am right there with you girl.

A Blessed Life said...

Oh Sarah! This has truly been a difficult road for you guys. I am so sorry.

ManyBlessings said...

Oh Sarah...I am just crying for you tonight...

Here is one thing I have held on to for the 3 1/2 years we've waited for our two..."Don't doubt in the darkness what God told you in the light."

His character remains the same despite the circumstances. He DOES care. And He WILL carry you.

I am so, so incredibly sorry.


Chapter Two Manmi said...

I'm sorry I am so late in joining in to encourage you. I got to same point. It had seemed like I had put on a smiley face, relied on the Lord, saught Him, kept plugging away. Maybe I didn't allow myself to work out the grief in the reality of being kept apart from my children. Our wait was three years (well, 2 years, 11 months). It was so hard.
But it ended. I survived. God was faithful to bring my children home.
I'll keep praying you will soon feel the other side of the wait.
Many blessings,

Amy said...

Oh Sarah. How well I know those feelings. Sometimes I think if I could just "get it right" or do the right thing that God would reward me by letting our son come home. We've hit obstacle after obstacle too. I told God the other day that if our fight is not against flesh and blood that I sure wish He'd kick some butt in the heavenlies today. Our file is still not back to where we were 17 1/2 months ago. Even after being totally redone because it was lost, we're still waiting on an extract of archives. Then that paper still has to navigate Parquet and MOJ before the file can move on to MOI, where it was in May '07, which is where it was lost.

People keep telling me to hang in there so I'll tell you the same. I know it doesn't help you feel any better but please know that you are not alone in your feelings, I think you have a right to those feelings, and I totally "get it".

Amy (still waiting after almost 38 months-yeah, more than 3 years)