3 1/2 weeks ago, the U.S. Consulate requested a DNA test to be done on one of our sons and their birth mom. The purpose of this test is to confirm the maternity and subsequent legal right this woman has to relinquish this child.
The test has not yet been administered. And won't be any time soon.
Yet MORE errors were discovered with our boys' passports. Both will need to be resubmitted, and new, correct passports will need to be reissued. Last time it took over 6 weeks for our passport mistakes to be corrected.
No correct passport. No DNA test.
No DNA test. No Visa.
No Visa. No homecoming.
Sara E. commented that the Lord must have some very specific, very special plans for our boys, as the enemy is pulling out all the stops in an effort to keep our boys in Haiti. I have always known that the Lord has big, beautiful plans for these boys. It is the thought I am desperately clinging to.
Clinging, because I would crumble if I couldn't hold on to that thought.
What I'm about to write makes me feel very selfish and ugly, but I'm going to share it anyway. I think I just need to get it off my chest.
I have worked so hard at keeping my chin up in these adoption trials. I have put my all into loving and enjoying my family here, to not be in a continual funk due, because that is not fair to them and I know that is what God wants.
I have worked my (emotional) ass off working through a dreadful personal problem, because I know that a resolution needed to be reached before the boys could come into our home.
I have gone up to the altar and gotten on my knees each Sunday at church to pray these boys home. I pray on my knees in my bedroom, begging for safety, health and homecoming for these little guys.
I have constantly tried to confirm my belief that the boys will come home when they are meant to. I have surrendered to this insane process so that God can work here.
I have done all these things, and yet here we are! Still hitting major stumbling block after stumbling block. And I am hurt! And mad! And scared! And mad! And hurt!
I know that I am being selfish and unreasonable here. I know that I have to surrender to this timeframe.
But I feel so alone here. I look at these delays and the empty beds in Atticus' bedroom, and the decaying conditions in Haiti, and I wonder if God is even with me here.
The Mister asked me if I have heard the story of Footprints. I have. He believes that while we feel as though we are walking alone, soon the boys will be home and we'll see that extra set of footprints, right there beside ours.
I know he is right. And I am clinging to that story.
But it is so hard.
And it hurts so much.
And sometimes, my heart and my head just doesn't get what my faith understands.