Thursday, June 19, 2008

Fresh Start

Today, I made a fresh start.

Last fall, I discovered myself in a personal situation that left me completely devastated and drained.

Since last fall, I've lived under a blanket of grief, anger, self-pity, depression, fear and anxiety. A thick heavy one which has slowly suffocated me, smothering out any flames of joy, strength and peace I once had.

For months now, I have tried to pretend to enjoy things, but I wasn't enjoying anything. Most things were a huge struggle, and I literally had to will myself to get through days without hiding under my bed. I withdrew from friends and just kind of hunkered down in my little shell of negativity. "Going through the motions" is the best way to describe my state of being.

The toxic mix of these emotions culminated last night, when I suddenly saw myself through the eyes of someone else. And I realized that I hated the weeping, grieving, paranoid, self-pitying, fearful emotional weenie that I had become. I was exhausted by all the negativity that I was carrying with me everywhere. I became acutely aware that I had a decision to make. To live drowning in this grief, or to move forward and begin living life again.

It doesn't matter how unfair things are. Or how it hurts to be the victim. It's just a matter of whether or not I'm going to be the person who I was before all of this. A strong woman, with a sense of self and purpose, who could roll with the punches and always come out stronger than ever.

Today, I decided that enough was enough. I've packed up that suffocating blanket of emotions and kicked it to the curb. I'm recommitting myself to feeling life again. I'm going to love my husband, children, family and friends with every ounce of me. I'm not just going to go through the motions anymore.

I can breathe deeply now and my shaky stomach is gone. It's a new start, and does it feel good.


This Mama said...

Sarah, to me you always resonate as a very genuine person but am sorry to hear you felt as though you were going through the motions. I am sorry your trust was broken leaving you fearful of being hurt again. Thanks for sharing a bit of your struggles and I am glad your breaking free of it all.


Sawatzky Kids said...

Three !!!!CHEERS!!!! from this friend! Time to soak up the "sunshine"
Luv you girl!