I'm married to Mr. C, Ninja Vacuum Decimator.
Here is a photo of my beloved, defunt vacuum cleaner. One possession of which I easily was a good steward: I used it daily, cleaned it regularly and treated it with the honor and respect a good vacuum deserved.
Today my vacuum was knocked out with a deadly one-two punch. The first, shown on the left: the cat door that Mr. C. installed in the Man House door. The second, Mr. C, who refused to be photo'd with my poor vacuum carcass.
Honestly, could the timing be any worse? The replacement of the vacuum is creating a Compact Dilemma for me. With three kids, two shedding dogs, two kittens, one dusty furnace and reasonably nice carpeting, I consider vacuuming a need, not a want. Living meagerly is one thing; living in dusty, hair-ridden, dander-soaked filth is another story.
The compromise we have made is that we will purchase a new vacuum, but we will be doing so with a benefit program through Cliff's work called Star Points. Throughout the year, he receives points for reaching various goals, winning contests, etc., and those points can then be redeemed for the purchase of items in a Star Points Catalog. It has everything from tube socks to sports cars. Since we have more than enough tube socks and we're a loooonnnngggg way off (like a full career) from the purchase of a Porsche, we agreed to redeem our current total for the purchase of a new vacuum. In essence, we are most definitely breaking the Compact, but at least not at the expense of our checkbook.
Shockingly, this is NOT the first vacuum Mr. C has decimated. As such, I am hereby presenting Cliff with the following Vacuum Conduct Code Contract:
"I, Mr. C., do hereby vow and fully agree to conduct myself at all times in accordance with the following terms, conditions and regulations in regard to the New Vacuum:
1. At no time will the aforementioned New Vacuum, hereinafter referred to as "the vacuum," be used to remove wet cat litter from any surface in the home.
2. At no time will the vacuum be used in the removal of vomitous material, whether the vomit is ejected from a human or animal life form, from any surface in the home.
3. At no time will the vacuum be used in the removal of any industrial work material (including, but not limited to: wood shavings, wood splinters, metal bebes, metal shavings, plaster, wet paint, etc.) from any surface in the home and/or garage and/or transportation vehicles.
4. At no time will the vacuum be used in the removal of any material in the home if the vacuum is, at that moment, residing within a 10 foot proximity to a Shop Vac. If a Shop Vac is within a 10-foot proximity of the vacuum, then ONLY the Shop Vac is to be used in the removal of the aforementioned material.
5. At no time will aforementioned Mr. C. use the vacuum if he has any doubt, inkling or mere notion that the material to be removed could possibly create an imbalance in the delicate inner workings of said vacuum.
6. If at any time, Mr. C. has any doubts, inklings or mere notions referred to in point 5 above, Mr. C. will then take his concerns to The Missus, who has the Only power and authority to dictate the decision as to whether or not the vacuum may be used.
I, Mr. C., do hereby solemnly agree to follow the above 6 points of actions, to the letter of the law. I hereby fully acknowledge that if I violate any of the above 6 points, I am subject to a punishment to the fullest extent of the law, including, but not limited to: lectures, lashings, whippings, witholding of food and/or sex for a time to be determined according to the severity of said infraction."