"Dance Moms"

Hatfield and Atticus compete on competitive Tap and Jazz dance troupes (or as Paloma--a Fancy Nancy fanatic---tells us, 'that's a fancy word for teams.') In addition to the tap and jazz classes, they have to study ballet, take classes on flexibility and conditioning, and my all time favorite--leaping, because every well-rounded child should have taken a class on how to leap, right?

(Eye roll.)

Since this is their first year in Troupe, I'm learning in that this is Big Stuff in the world of child/teen dance studios.

Big Time Commitment.
Big Costume Commitment.
Big Money Commitment.
Big What Were We Thinking? Commitment

I say that last one in a joking manner, because we really are quite happy with dance.

I've also learned about the term "Dance Mom."
Dance Mom's fall into several categories:

Category #1: The Toddler & Tiara Mom
These Moms put their Heart, Soul, Pocketbook and Make-up Bag into their children. They all sit together at practices, have the teachers' cell phone numbers on their speed dial, and feel free to make choreography suggestions to the teachers so their little princesses get more F.R.T (that's Front Row Time, in case you don't know.)

These mothers FAWN over the costumes. When the costumes come in, they Ooooohhhh and Aaaaaahhhh over them. They stroke the costumes, rub the satiny polyester blend lightly over their cheeks, and have them professionally altered.

Category #2: The Sexy Moms
These are the Moms whose main goal in their post-20s life is for some male species to refer to them as a MILF just once in their lives.

Big hair. Big Makeup. Big Boobs. Tight Shirts. Tight Jeans.

In addition to being Sexy, they also like to be the "Cool" Moms who try to connect with their kids by acting like teenagers themselves.

Category #3: The Frumpy Frannies
They take up ALL the good comfy chairs in the dance studios, where they seem parked each and every day from when school lets out until the studios close. They stink up the joint with their Fritos and Cheetos and McDonald's Happy Meals. While I don't know their names, I know the names of all their younger children because these moms bring Nothing for these tots to do, so they are constantly yelling: "Tyler, get down off that counter!" "Marissa, stop eating the dirt in the potted plant, so help me!" "Danny, go ask the nice lady at the counter if she has any coloring books and crayons or toys for you to play with."

Category #4: The Rest of Us
We just try to get our kids to dance on time. We try to keep track of costumes and which tights go with what costume and do we need tan tap shoes and black jazz shoes, or is it the other way around? We try to mooch a safety pin or hemming tape off of a T&T mom since we didn't think ahead to actually have our costumes professionally tailored.

In other words, we are The Clueless Moms.

My friend Roxanne and I, who go way back to PreNatal Water Aerobics when we were preggo with Atticus and Eva, are certainly of the clueless variety. We spend LOTS of time labeling and making fun of other moms.

"Did you just see that Tiara Mom over there?" I'll say on the D.L. "She's gonna have to dry clean that costume because she just drooled over it."

Or Roxanne will come in, "Okay, I couldn't get a parking space because 5 Tiara moms out there are standing in a circle, STROKING the new ballet costume."

We gag.

God Bless friends like Roxanne.

* * * * * * * *

But of course, last week Hatfield came home with her ballet costume.

It looks like something out of a Fairy Tale.

I am in Love with this dress.

The next thing I knew I found myself stroking it. And wondering if I could possibly try it on.

I called Roxanne. "Help!" I wailed. "Hatfield brought home her ballet costume and I found myself stroking it adoringly!"

Pause.

Sigh.

"I did the same with Eva's."

Moment of silent. "I think it's okay with ballet. But promise me if I ever drool on a Jazz outfit, you'll bitchslap me. I'll do the same for you."

"Promise!"

Whew. As I said before, Thank God for friends like Roxanne. Because I don't wanna know who I'd become without her.

Staying in the Zone

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the wonderfully supportive and kind comments and emails I have received since my last post. You all have made me feel so supported and loved, and I am so grateful.

* * * * * * * * *

A large part of helping our boys heal and learn is to train myself to be aware of their current emotional states. Watching for shifts, and the accompanying catalysts. Observing their choices and corresponding feelings and triggers.

Remaining in such a hyper-vigilant state of observing their emotions is exhausting.

I used to think of myself as a highly patient person. Ah, the pride.

Note to self: God has a way of dealing with the prideful.

Since then, I have found my patience level broken. Remaining committed to teaching your children and helping them heal is surprisingly difficult. My children test me over and over again, and I find myself irritated and frustrated and hurt over and over again.

After a while, I find that it is HARD to make the choice to act lovingly and in a manner when they can heal. When all I really want to do is give them a punishment so they feel as miserable as I do at that moment.

See what I mean when I say that Therapeutic Parenting makes you confront all the Ugly in your own person? Sheesh.

Here's a recent example.

The other morning, the Mister has his laptop, his handheld device and a bunch of paperwork spread out all over the kitchen table (Note to the Mister: There's a reason why I had a huge counter installed in the office: it's your desk, baby!) I didn't dare touch it for fear that I would somehow turn something off while it was uploading information or other important computing things that are beyond my comprehension.

Of course, it was breakfast time, so I had to set the kids' meal out on the table.

"Hey kids, see Dad's computer there? He has a LOT of really important work stuff out, so DON'T spill your juice this morning, okay?"

Within 5 minutes, the Mister came downstairs and removed all of his stuff. No spills. Whew.

Within a minute of him removing the items, I saw Keenan deliberately put one finger on the rim of his full cup of juice. And slowly, but surely, tip it over. Of course, spilling away from himself and towards his siblings. And of course, I was in the office, so he didn't think I was watching.

Note to self: Sarah, you KNOW better than to phrase anything in the negative. Always, always, always put your requests in a positive framework, especially when requesting anything from a hurt and healing child.

Instead of saying, "Don't Spill!" I should have said, "Let's show Dad how Big and Strong we are and how we can do an AWESOME job of drinking our juice all gone."

My words and actions certainly can help encourage a different response.

By that time though, with Paloma and Hatfield squawking about spilled juice, I really wanted to holler and punish Keenan. I wanted him to feel as miserable as I felt annoyed.

See what I mean? Ugly, ugly, ugly.

I did put him on the thinking step right away. Because I needed to calm down. I went over and talked to him.

"Keenan, why did you spill the juice?" I know that I shouldn't ask a "Why" question. But I had no idea what to ask. Anyone out there with some advice? I'd love to hear feedback.

"Because I wanted to." he said.

"Okay," I nodded. "I get that. But what made you want to?"

"Because you said I couldn't spill juice."

Anytime I tell Keenan that he can't do something, unless he understands that it will have a directly negative effect on his comfort or safety (like, "don't touch the hot stove") he will do it. It seems to loop him into a cycle of deprivation or a cycle where he feels the need for something--a sort of entitlement--and he can't function until he does it. Many times he will wait patiently to seize the moment where he thinks he won't get caught (like the juice, when he thought he could pretend it was an accident), and sometimes it's just too much and he will do it right away, consequences be damned.

At this point, I had to REALLY focus on not getting M.A.D. Because I was. How many times does he have to fall into this loop?

The answer: until we help him heal and teach him other loops.

I then asked Keenan how he thinks Hatfield and Paloma feel about being covered in juice. And he said, "Sad."

"How can we fix this?" I asked.

"Clean up juice." he replied. All right. We're getting somewhere. Once he cleaned it up, I asked him about how he can help Hatfield and Paloma. "Say sorry." he said.

And he did.

Baby steps, baby steps, but I did one huge Mama victory dance in my room.

The book 10 days to Less Defiant Child says to picture your child in a moment when you absolutely loved them. I often focus on the adorable things the boys have done, the loving moments I've shared with them, to help me move forward in a positive manner.

I''m curious to know what things other parents do to help keep themselves "in the zone" when they are just fried by the constant testing and need to stay emotionally regulated themselves. Do you have a mantra? A favorite scripture? I'd love to know.

Parenting 101

I have come to the conclusion that in the beginning, parenting adopted children is NOTHING like parenting biological children.

I write, in the beginning, because that's where we are and I don't know, maybe some day I will feel differently.

Before you bring adopted children home, you may hear a lot of: "You have to treat your adopted kids the same way you treat your bio kids. Treat 'em the same, discipline 'em the same."

If I squint, I can kinda sorta see where those people are coming from. It sounds good in theory.

In reality, I have found it anything but helpful.

* * * * * * *

So four and six months ago, we brought home two beautiful boys.

And my life tipped Up.Side.Down. And if I'm honest, I don't feel like we're anywhere near righting itself. Yet. (I have great hope.)

When the boys came home, I didn't expect perfect behavior out of them. Nowhere near! I slowly introduced our expectations of them (look at mom when she's talking to you; look at mom while you're talking to her). Once we felt like they got the 'hang' of something, we would slowly introduce another expectation, (say "I'm sorry" after wronging someone; tell the truth; answer when asked a question.)

When a consequence needed to be doled out, we relied on what worked with our original three children. Talks (okay, lectures) about right and wrong; time outs (or time in's); restriction of tv/basement play or toys; and on occasion, a spanking.

* * * * * * * *

Ask me how it's working so far.

It's not.

We have replayed many behavior/consequence scenarios OVER and OVER and OVER again.

I know Rome wasn't built in a day. I certainly don't expect my boys' behaviors to diminish overnight.

But my Mommy Intuition has been telling me, "this ain't working" when I've taken the more traditional approaches to consequencing.

Over the past couple weeks I've been reading a ton. Re-read Beyond Consquences, Logic and Control. Found the AMAZING blog Welcome to My Brain and spent hours reading it and all the linkies. Same with equally amazing Corey W's blog. I've googled therapuetic parenting.

We have signed ourselves up for Therapeutic Parenting 101.

* * * * * * * * *

The purpose of this parenting style is to get to the WHY of the child's behavior to help them heal.. To determine where their behavior is stemming from . To treat the cause and not the symptom. To help the child heal from the trauma of their young lives.

A LOT Of it involves me. I know by now that how I react greatly determines the road I will be traveling on with that child regarding that circumstance. Will we be on Control Circle? Defiance Drive? Angry Avenue? Peaceful Parkway?

This is, by far, probably one of the most difficult things I have ever undertaken in my entire adult life.

I'm becoming painfully aware of my own ugly reactions. My shortcomings: my patience issues. My intolerance issues. My control issues.

I'm gaining insight into why I act the way I do. What I'm afraid of. Why I shut down when I'm faced with unpleasantries and why I have such a difficult time at opening myself up emotionally when it's all said and done.

* * * * * * * *

So far, I am sucking at this. Big. Time.

I am finding that I am re-building a support circle. I'm trying hard to surround myself with people who I don't need to "pretend" with. To find people who understand and can support.

I love these little guys.
I want them to heal.
I want them to have the world of opportunities before them that all children should have. In a perfect world.

I am trying to remind myself that God gave me these children because I am the right Mama for them. Because there were some many points in our adoption road where it could have fallen apart. Where the door could have been slammed in our faces.

But it never was.

There are days when I get mad at this whole thing because it's not easy.
There are days when I am resentful at how up-ended our home is right now.
There are days when I mourn for the normalcy we once had.
And there are days when I'm faced with behavioral challenges and I don't have a stinkin' clue about how to handle them.

So far, in all these failures, I often find myself questioning God's judgment when he gave me these boys. Because, most days, I don't have a clue. Most days, I'm worried that I'm actually adding to the damage.

For now, I'm going to keep the blog public. I might at some point create a separate blog where I can blog freely about these attachment issues and challenges, but for now, I'm going to test the waters here. I know how much reading other blogs by women gracious enough to stay public has helped me. And I'd like to 'keep it real' publicly here. But, there are a good deal of people in my real world who read this, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with all of that.

I wish I had some profound bit of insight to share here or some elegant words to end this post. But I don't. Instead, I'll just end it awkwardly: We're here in this attachment journey. And I'm going to blog about it. And if you will kindly hold my hand (because putting so much of this 'out there' is scary!), I would be ever so grateful.

Smiley Goodness

My dear friend Shelly Swat Team called me yesterday afternoon out of the blue, at the MOST PERFECT time ever. One of my boys had a *really* bad day at school, and I was completely unsure how to handle it, and talking to her really balanced me out.

Shelly and her dear hubby and wonderful children moved out of the country a few years back, and we still have not filled the void they left in our lives. Especially the Mister, who not only lost a great friend, but a fellow MMA devotee. I love Shelly because even if we talk only once a year, we pick up with the same ease and comfort where we left our last conversation. Friends like that are few and far between, and everyone should have at least one friend like that, don't you think?

Thank you, dear Shelly.

The one request (demand, really, lol!) my dear girl had of me was More Pictures on the Blog!

So here's some smiley goodness comin' right at ya, babe!

Miles and His Dread-y Goodness
and one of his Best Buddies
(sorry, I can't tell which cat that is)

Keenan and his Lovely Locks

Keenan loves
Loves
LOVES
his big sister Hatfield

Po, Mommy and Atticus.
Come on, you have to admit they are the spitting image of me!

Two of a Kind

We MISS you Swat Team! Come back soon and visit!

Mid-Winter Lethargy

One of my Rules of Life is that if you are going to be the sort to complain about the weather, then you are only allowed ONE season to caterwaul about.

February 1 through March 31 is the onus of my seasonal misery.

This long, cold, booorrrriiiinnnnggg stretch of winter does me in, mentally and physically. No longer does winter hold the romance and wonder that it did upon its December debut. Too cold to run outside (or even work out in our un-insulated garage), the snow is packed down and icy, ruining conditions for snowshoeing and sledding with a crew of 5 kids.

Waaahhhh.

So to counteract this, I am making Change #1 in y life. I am now hauling my winter-induced super-sized daggan out of bed each morning at 5:30, to head down to the basement to work out or do yoga.

In theory, this should be easy, as I'm a morning person. Come June I can fly out of bed at 5 am without an alarm, I'm so eager to get a jump on a day filled with running, gardening, fresh air and sunshine.

This winter, I'm feeling more apt to hibernate. We've been sleeping in until 7, all of us, which is unheard of. But I realize that I really need that 90 minutes between my lonesome waking up at 5:30 to when the troops are up and ready for action.

And speaking of troops that are up and ready for action. . . mine are! The Trumpet is Sounding and Duty is Calling. . .

Have a blessed day!
Sarah

Changes

What is it about birthdays that end in -0 or -5 that makes you sit back and spend a lot of time evaluating your life?

I've seen a quote floating around FB and the blogging world that goes something like: Figure out your priorities and then figure out where you spend the bulk of your time. If they don't match up, then your life isn't in sync with your priorities, etc.

My priority has long been, and still is, being a wife and mother. Given the fact that I am a homemaker and have made the decision to homeschool my children, at first glance, yes indeed, my daily schedule certainly reflects my life's priority.

But then I have to break it down. How much time do I spend each day, with each child? What do I do? What's the breakdown of computer/phone time, etc?

What type of qualities do I want to demonstrate? Am I more concerned about being the "cool" mom, or do I care more about the character development of my children, trusting that if we raise them right now (which includes upsetting a pre-teen every now and again), we'll grow into healthy adult relationships? Do I take the easy way out to avoid conflict (and hard work), or am I willing to set my lazy nature aside and roll up my sleeves and get dirty?

Long after my children are grown and gone, it will be the Mister and me. Am I strengthening my marriage, or am I just letting things slide while I am busy with the little ones? When my husband comes home, do we take time to talk together? Or do we go off and do our own thing on the Wii or the computer? Do we take time for date nights? Or if we can't find a babysitter, do we make out when the kids aren't looking? Am I taking advantage of the fact that a woman's sex drive peaks in her mid-30s, or do I write each evening off because I'm tired? Do we have rituals/hobbies/habits that reflect our commitment to each other?

All things to think about, and honestly evaluate. Because like it or not, we only have just so many hours in a day. And those are ours to make our break our life with.

The Mister, who just celebrated a non-0 or -5 birthday, has found that he hit a major career milestone before the age of 40. At first I thought this sort of "accomplish this goal by the time I'm this age" milestone thing was strange, like it was just a man thing. But then I remembered my goal between Paloma's 24 and 36 months of life was for both her and I to get through it alive (thankfully, we achieved that one!)

Mars/Venus aside, the Mister is now thinking about the next steps he wants to pursue and accomplish, and how to do them in conjunction with being a father of (gulp) five. Or maybe someday even (gulp) six or seven.

(Sorry, Mister. Just had to throw that in to Freak. You. Out!)

Since the holidays we each have been dealing with a steady succession of incidents when others have been completely rude, if not hostile, to us. I once posted about why I love being in my 30s, and part of that is because I realize that while it's always good to forgive, I don't have to be a doormat for anyone else while they work through their own issues.

We trudged our way past the holidays, and then the Haiti earthquake completely took the wind out of our sails. Emotionally we found (and still find) ourselves exhausted. Wanting to help, but only being able to do so much, feeling helpless and frustrated at watching a broken, overwhelmed and often poorly-thought out system.

This February, we are committing ourselves to making some changes in our lives. Some big, some little, but after the past month and a half, I need to make some positive changes so that I can begin feeling optimistic and hopeful again. Changes so that we can begin to propel ourselves forward, a continuation of pursuing our personal life goals and missions.

So in February, I'm going to post about some of these changes and why we've made them. I'm going to try hard to change my personal momentum from that of a Tired Trudging through Each Day to a momentum of Purposefully Working Towards a Goal.

Bear with me if some days I seem to rah-rah or Pollyanna. But after a month and a half that we just got through, I need to jolt myself out of this rut. And sometimes, jumping headfirst into a series of changes is the way to achieve it.

Slippery Slopes/ Need advice from Adoptive/Foster Moms

The path from Homecoming to Attachment is not a one-way street.

Instead, I liken it to a large hill, with steps in some places, green grass in others, rocky paths here and there, and then those treacherous icy stretches just to make things interesting.

A few steps forward, a step or two back, a few steps forward, a few steps back. Cyclical, in ways.

I've been taking a lot of time to re-read Attaching in Adoption, and most particularly the chapters regarding Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence.

Both of our boys are behind in their Emotional Development, and understandably so, given the fact that they have spent the vast majority of their 5 years in an orphanage setting.

Keenan, despite his younger age, is a little more advanced in these stages.

On one spectrum, the boys are attaching very well. Both come to the Mister and myself for love and hugs. If they are hurt or not feeling well, they will seek me out. When an injustice is done to them by another child, they find us as opposed to seeking revenge on their own. Neither boy has an interest in strangers. And both seem to be slowly developing on the emotional spectrum.

Our slippery slopes come to areas of Cause-and-Effect and Emotional Intelligence.

Both boys have a rudimentary sense of cause and effect. They can see it at play in toys. They can see it at play with positive emotions. Have a big hug with Mommy= Happy, loving feelings in our belly. Helping out Dad with a project = Proud, happy feelings.

But both of our sons struggle when it comes to working with feelings of anger. Any sort of logical sequencing that they may grasp when they are calm, is no longer reachable when they are angry or unhappy.

For example: All of my children have to help with laundry. They each are assigned two days a week for Laundry Duty, and all of them have a Laundry Buddy.

When the boys are on Laundry duty, they must fold and sort the laundry by Atticus' clothing, and Miles/Keenan's clothing.

Nothing earth shattering there. They both clearly understand the concepts. When they are feeling happy and silly, they can knock a load of laundry out in about 5 minutes flat.

However, if on that day one of the boys is feeling angry about something (the most recent has been with Keenan, when he was upset that we didn't have ice cream in the house for dessert), then they will take a piece of two of Atticus' clothing, fold it real teensy weensy, and stick it in one of their piles. Or they'll take a pair of their own underwear, fold it and stick it down a pant leg of Atticus' jeans.

Now, the boys know that if they do the laundry wrong (and I'm talking about when they do it wrong on purpose. I'm not talking about when they accidentally mistake Atticus' blue turtle shirt for Keenan's light blue shirt, etc.), then they are given a chance to correct it. If they fail to take that opportunity, then the Laundry Buddy is off duty, all the laundry goes back into the basket and it needs to be re-done.

With Keenan, I would say about 75% of the time, he will take the opportunity to correct it, so he can be done with it and move on.

Miles has NEVER taken the opportunity. In fact, most of the time, he'll take the opportunity to grab something of Atticus', and then while looking at me square in the eyes, put it in his own pile.

Lord help my blood pressure.

This is a scenario that plays out in our house at least once every other week. Keenan has done a basket of laundry over twice before deciding, This is getting kinda old, and doing it the correct way. He'll take 45 minutes doing a load of laundry incorrectly, but when he decides to switch tracks and make the good choice, he can bang out that entire load himself in 10 minutes flat.

Miles has chosen to do the same basket of laundry incorrectly 9 freakin' times. NINE.

Both boys, once they are angry, completely are unable to reason this cause and effect sequence:

Do it incorrectly = Do it again = Do it until it is done right = Do it right = Go and Play

The best I can determine, after talking with each boy, is that their minds follow this loop:

I'm mad at Mom for something = Mom gives me a chore = I'm mad so I won't do it right = I'm told to do it again = but I'm still mad = and because I'm mad I won't do it right.

That circle loops and loops and loops. So far, I feel like we're making NO progress on this section of slipper slope.

Honestly, when I'm facing days like this, I'm not quite sure what to do.

*Do I give him one re-do chance, and if he still chooses to do it incorrectly, do I issue than another consequence, like no tv or no basement playroom time?

*Do I keep on having him work on the load, because if Mom gives you a chore, you must complete it?

*Do I ignore the things he's doing wrong and just have him do it incorrectly? Or is that encouraging him and his sneakiness/wrongdoing?

I would gladly appreciate ANY advice that you Been There, Done That or Are Currently Doing that you adoptive/foster parents have.

Many, many thanks,
Sarah.